Samira

this week has had an overtone of bitter-sweet, and undertow of memories screaming both tremendous joy as well as sorrow. it wasn’t until last night that it finally hit me, Paul:
Happy Birthday.

6 of your birthdays. 6 of mine.

we even met at your birthday party:
no wonder these past few days have been so wrought with emotion.

realizing that this is the first time in 6 years
that we are not spending our birthdays together
missing that part of the relationship
having a home with someone
thinking of all the ways in which we spent those days together
4th of july fireworks from the couch
playing records in the sun
going on road trips
and other stuff
like how broke we were
and how we’d just have each other
and as much as that was the bad
it was also the good
and i miss that
i miss having my friend, my partner
my touch stone
somebody to come home to
thinking about taking Little Bit to the vet
and it made me think about you and Little Bit
& how much you love her
& how you probably would have taken her today
because that’s the kind of relationship you had with her.

this is not a story of regret, for i am too proud of you.
and i am proud of me, too.

and today, on your 38th birthday, Paul,
i want to thank you for our journey together,
for everything that we’ve endured & felt & tried & forsaken,
for everything that we’ve taken away & learned,
forgotten & remembered,
become enraged for, beaten ourselves up over, forgiven.

thank you for our bicycle ride,
for that rubik’s cube, and that one good record, too.

i am so incredibly proud of you.

i love you.

you left me long a long time ago. you left both of us. and i did the same. our bicycle broke down, and neither one of us had the right tools or knew how to fix it. we thought we did. we did try. we so wanted to get back on that bicycle. you continue to roam through my thoughts every day. the aftermath of the 5 years we shared is at times unbearable. yes, even for me, despite what you may think. you have no idea. this is the realization at the end of a long & painful journey. this is the story neither one of us knew how to rewrite. not for lack of wanting. not for lack of love.

2 friends. each lost a parent yesterday. unbelievably shocking. life is so very short. in the end, we’ll all be riding the same bicycle i suppose. i just emailed Lucho to tell him how much i love him. i also just thought of how i would go through periods when i was afraid of dying, and how you would hold me & comfort me & tell me that you hoped that when the day would come, that i would die before you, so you could be by my side & i would not have to feel afraid or alone. 2 nights ago, i found my headphone box that is filled with 5 years worth of your notes & letters. i read them and almost smiled & almost cried. i almost wanted to throw them away. life is short, indeed. and, right now, i just want to say, if i were in those last moments, i’m certain you’d be one of the final flashes i’d take with me before the lights turned from dim to black.

(history relies upon dissonance, upon discontinued familiarity, and a fading into metaphors: the substitution of book for body; the colors that remind of her, and the sounds that have become him)

1.
Partner
comes from parting.
To part.

2.
One parts
what was whole.

3.
I’m very partial
to you,
my partner.
So partial,
partially.
Only partial.

4.
The art
comes back
when you depart,
and I realize,
partner,
that you are not
part of me–
nor did take
part of me–
but have always
and remain
apart from me.

5.
Apart.
A part.
Part.
Art,
because
we’re apart

6.
Believing
you’re my partner:
I am the “art”
to which
you add the “P”.

7.
You are
my difference.

many of you are fully aware what mantra comes out of my mouth whenever paul’s not around, but in case you need a reminder: life’s boring without paul. i honestly have a hard time letting him sleep, because he’s just an abundance of newness :-) every day i am so amazed at how much i continue to learn from him. his mind, his creativity, his sensitivity and his compassion–the sum of these parts that make up the whole uniqueness that is paul: he challenges me in ways that make me feel alive, renewed, childlike and, at the same time, wiser. why 37? that’s how many times he’s travelled around the sun! lucky guy! and, although these can’t even begin to approximate the number of reasons why i love paul, here are 37, in no particular order, mainly to say: thank you for you, Paul. happy birthday. Paul:

1. says he threw his mom upside down on her head when he was born.
2. makes new cat toys and furniture out of boxes and string and bags and shelves probably every week. he loves our cat more than i know how to describe, really.
3. is an incredibly gifted artist. if you haven’t seen any of it yet, make it a point to do so: it will blow you away.
4. loves to take things apart, but he *also* puts them back together.
5. *loves loves loves* children, and they love him back.
6. never takes the same route home: he consciously challenges his own routines.
7. is a fucking amazing dancer. when you watch him dance, you can see how much music means to him.
8. i bet he’s been to over 90% of all my gigs, since we’ve been together: probably somewhere around 300 or so. and now that i think about it, wow babe, i’m sorry for the times i’ve hassled you to come to a gig with me.
9. says verse-visa.
10. has slid down the stairs, face down on a piece of cardboard, countless times.
11. has pictures of the rugburns to prove it.
12. lets me sleep in the car and gets us home safely at the end of long weekend.
13. cries more than anybody i have ever met.
14. taught me how to cry.
15. taught me how to laugh.
16. is still teaching me how to do both those things.
17. had a nightmare & when i woke him to see if he was ok, he said he most certainly had a nightmare, because he needed cheese.
18. put a button in my car after the fan broke, so i could turn it on manually.
19. loves squished pennies, and dreams of owning his own a penny squishing machine.
20. says i’m silly like my little pony all grown up.
21. is the master of taking self-portraits [see picture in my previous post].
22. is hank. and lassiter. and…
23. refers to the harmony between us as riding on the same bicycle.
24. leaves little notes for me all the time, for example:
25. when i get up, the first thing i’ll grab are my glasses, so there’s one note,
26. and, then, i’ll put on my rings–note #2,
27. and then i’ll get dressed, where i’ll find #3,
28. grab keys, etc. more notes..he’ll do this for my night time ritual, as well.
29. will now probably tell me that my last 5 reasons were cheating ;-)
30. is an incredible kisser.
31. is a most amazing lover.
32. loves blinky lights and lasers and fireworks and discoballs and stickers.
33. is very good at manouvring his way through bureaucracies: banks, insurance companies, bill collectors, landlords. i can’t believe how patient, calm and professional he is. i don’t know how i would manage these situations without him.
34. knows how to let me be me, but also how and when to hold me.
35. has the will-power when i don’t, the strength when i don’t, the optimism when i don’t.
36. is very perceptive, because he is actively introspective. it’s how he can smile so much, and laugh so much: he perseveres through his hardships so gracefully. i mean, look at him!
37. calls me his beautiful beautiful angel girl and this is how i know, every day, that i have a lot to live for.

i love you, baby. happy birthday. sam

sam is a beautiful beautiful angel girl that strooled into my life and captured all i could see…only to show me how to see everything again in a much more beautiful light.

hank and i have been through so much together this year: much of it not so pretty as we both would rather have it. but we’re here now. together, and stronger. despite all the bullshit, the fear, the doubts, and the external negativity. still ridin’ that same bicycle :-) yay! i love you, babe.

Melyss and i are bundling two of our mixes together to give away at Beatmatch this friday & i am very fortunate that Paul offered to master my 42kHz mix for me. The master CD on which i initially recorded this mix was damaged, and although i managed to salvage the audio, the sound quality was not very good at all. Well, Paul has done a stellar job with it & it sounds good! so i had the mix duplicated to give away on friday. be sure to get your copy of our double-disc set! also, i ripped a new mp3 at 192kbs for your listening pleasure. you can download it: HERE THANK YOU SO MUCH, PAUL!!!! i love you :-) sam

Congratulations, honey :-) nice work. i love you. sam Nitevibe Buzz Our flyer of the week is for Beatmatch this Friday at The Mezzanine. Our designer is Paul De Arman.