Samira » love

the grace of others (spiral, viral, meme)

sam — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 09:16:07 +0000

(meme, picked up while roaming tribe)

& how else to withstand the enormity of such burden,
the burden of sight, but to believe
that there can only be the grace of others?

Danetta & Belen made me smile this week.
so here you go:
reply to this blog & i’ll tell you
why you make my world a better place to live.

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a reminder

sam — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 03:53:49 +0000

here you are, on the last day of august, completely calm and content:
in front lies the imminent reminder of how small you are. yet there you are:
in full embrace of this never-ending expanse of cloud in the sky.

out there in front of us, as Nature, we perceive such awe-inspiring vastness
as a kind of testament to life.

inside of us, as Human Nature, we receive that same vastness
with panic and discontent. it is easy to allow it to consume us, paralyze us.
and a kind of entropy occurs.

it’s funny how we feel so desperately alone when we are afraid,
yet we are so universally bound by this emotion.

there is so much more i want to say to you, Todd,
but i figured i’d start with this picture, and with the reminder
that our experience of this vastness can be so quickly transformed
(not always, but we can try regardless)
with just a bit of sunshine, some cheddar cheese, a few beers,
and in the company of a friend. add a dash of music,
and a few stray cows, and voila…

i love you, sweetheart.

samira

somewhere i have never travelled

sam — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 03:01:40 +0000

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too nearyour slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

–e. e. cummings

You see

sam — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 05:41:21 +0000

i try to imagine my life without you
and i can’t

i try to imagine my life with you
and i can’t

Happy Birthday, Paul

sam — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 07:54:40 +0000

this week has had an overtone of bitter-sweet, and undertow of memories screaming both tremendous joy as well as sorrow. it wasn’t until last night that it finally hit me, Paul:
Happy Birthday.

6 of your birthdays. 6 of mine.

we even met at your birthday party:
no wonder these past few days have been so wrought with emotion.

realizing that this is the first time in 6 years
that we are not spending our birthdays together
missing that part of the relationship
having a home with someone
thinking of all the ways in which we spent those days together
4th of july fireworks from the couch
playing records in the sun
going on road trips
and other stuff
like how broke we were
and how we’d just have each other
and as much as that was the bad
it was also the good
and i miss that
i miss having my friend, my partner
my touch stone
somebody to come home to
thinking about taking Little Bit to the vet
and it made me think about you and Little Bit
& how much you love her
& how you probably would have taken her today
because that’s the kind of relationship you had with her.

this is not a story of regret, for i am too proud of you.
and i am proud of me, too.

and today, on your 38th birthday, Paul,
i want to thank you for our journey together,
for everything that we’ve endured & felt & tried & forsaken,
for everything that we’ve taken away & learned,
forgotten & remembered,
become enraged for, beaten ourselves up over, forgiven.

thank you for our bicycle ride,
for that rubik’s cube, and that one good record, too.

i am so incredibly proud of you.

i love you.

You

sam — Tue, 29 May 2007 20:21:26 +0000

thank you for driving the whole way up & the whole way down. for letting me sleep, even when i don’t want you to. for keeping me newcastled & watered. for holding me, loving me, making love to me. for sharing your spoken and unspoken words. for cracking me open one gesture at the time. you’re incredible.

Moan

sam — Thu, 17 May 2007 02:42:54 +0000

I’ve been thinking too much about you See the sunset with no sleep at all Constantly thinking about you And I can’t get through this at all

I’ve been thinking too much about you I’ve been staring at the floor I’ve listened to all the tunes I love but made me feel quite blue

I’ve been thinking too much about you See the sunrise still no sleep at all Constantly thinking about you And my eyelids won’t close at all

–Trentemoller, Moan

I’ve been thinking too much about you I’ve been climbing up the walls I’ve taken all the drugs I love but made me feel quite blue without you (last 2 stanzas courtesy of dosborne)

…

sam — Tue, 15 May 2007 06:23:50 +0000

been needing to cry. been needing to find the right poetry. been needing to hear the right female vocals.

Sent by mobile @ Ember

sam — Wed, 09 May 2007 16:11:27 +0000

Happy Today

The lives of the heart

sam — Fri, 04 May 2007 07:37:43 +0000

i keep thinking if i just sit still, some answer will come to me. there must be a reason for it all. but my heart keeps hurting, keeps pounding out this dull aching pain, there are times i’d rather break it, so it would stop already.

For Ember

sam — Tue, 01 May 2007 20:55:40 +0000

Kelly

sam — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 07:50:04 +0000

let it be known, that i recently purchased a cellphone. i hate the phone. despise it. yes, it’s true. so what on earth would push a stubborn soul like myself to acquiesce? Kelly rules her world with a satin-gloved iron fist: You’ll live by her rules & you’ll like it. No really, it won’t hurt at all. See: you’re smiling already.

What else but a GAP day?

sam — Sat, 21 Apr 2007 07:53:00 +0000

at a loss feeling lost of course, it is a Galactic Activation Portal day, 04/21/07

I perfect in order to reflect Producing order I seal the matrix of endlessness With the planetary tone of manifestation I am guided by the power of death I am a galactic activation portal enter me

Destination: Tahoe, 04/14/07

I activate in order to play Bonding illusion I seal the process of magic With the electric tone of service I am guided by the power of vision I am a galactic activation portal enter me

Destination: New York: 03/10/07

I channel in order to question Inspiring fearlessness I seal the output of intelligence With the resonant tone of attunement I am guided by the power of elegance I am a galactic activation portal enter me

Exile

sam — Sat, 21 Apr 2007 05:59:05 +0000

you left me long a long time ago. you left both of us. and i did the same. our bicycle broke down, and neither one of us had the right tools or knew how to fix it. we thought we did. we did try. we so wanted to get back on that bicycle. you continue to roam through my thoughts every day. the aftermath of the 5 years we shared is at times unbearable. yes, even for me, despite what you may think. you have no idea. this is the realization at the end of a long & painful journey. this is the story neither one of us knew how to rewrite. not for lack of wanting. not for lack of love.

Todd

sam — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 02:17:28 +0000

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses. nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands.

–e.e. cummings

Ben

sam — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 07:34:41 +0000

driving home, from a having a lovely dinner with this magnificent individual, e.e. cummings starts talking to me & he won’t stop:

Buffalo Bill’s defunct who used to ride a watersmooth-silver stallion and break onetwothreefourfive pigeonsjustlikethat Jesus he was a handsome man and what i want to know is how do you like your blueeyed boy Mister Death

each time i see Ben, i am astounded by his open-armed approach to the world. he can make you forget that his life has already been thrice been filled with more obstacles than most of us will ever have to encounter. i admire this gift he has, this open heart and terrific smile, despite it all. thank you for your unabashed thirst, and your perseverance. and for making my world a substantially more worthwhile place to live in. i love you. sam

Message to Kit

sam — Fri, 02 Mar 2007 08:50:10 +0000

i emailed my mom before i got on the plane on saturday. she wrote me back & asked me how you are. she says hello, too :-) i know why we fell in love, Kit. our psychic connection spans beyond the years we we together, we’ve both always known this. the past few days, i’ve been overwhelmed by this feeling of gratitude. to be able to see you again. to look you in the eye & be taken backwards or forwards into that infinite space that exists beyond these boundaries of linear time and physical space. i’ve been on the verge of tears for days, simply because i didn’t think we’d be able to share that connection in the the present again. when we were at Dante’s there was that first moment when i recognized that look in your eyes. it’s such an intense look, with such an unstoppable energy implied: i know that at that very moment i am seeing you completely for who you are. i don’t think you really know how much you have impacted my life, Kit. and i am sorry i was unable to give you the recognition you wanted from me. the way in which i live my life today, the music i play, the manner in which i think about the sound–essentially the way in which i have been expressing my emotions for the past 8 years–they very much are a reflection of how you’ve impacted my life. i am humbled by your gift. that you are still here today. i love you, Kit. sam

I feel a little less jaded today, and a little less scarred.

sam — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 04:45:14 +0000

wow, Kit. i’m glad to be able to say: Hi. yes, there you are. without a doubt. time is a healer. if there was ever proof, it was seeing you again this weekend. & by that i mean *seeing* you again. never would i have dared to dream that life might some day come around and offer itself back: recovered, revived, forgiving. i feel a little less jaded today, Kit. and a little less scarred. my thoughts enfold you. sam

just a note

sam — Sun, 21 Jan 2007 15:26:22 +0000

2 friends. each lost a parent yesterday. unbelievably shocking. life is so very short. in the end, we’ll all be riding the same bicycle i suppose. i just emailed Lucho to tell him how much i love him. i also just thought of how i would go through periods when i was afraid of dying, and how you would hold me & comfort me & tell me that you hoped that when the day would come, that i would die before you, so you could be by my side & i would not have to feel afraid or alone. 2 nights ago, i found my headphone box that is filled with 5 years worth of your notes & letters. i read them and almost smiled & almost cried. i almost wanted to throw them away. life is short, indeed. and, right now, i just want to say, if i were in those last moments, i’m certain you’d be one of the final flashes i’d take with me before the lights turned from dim to black.

lieve samira,

sam — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 06:49:57 +0000

ik ben heel blij voor je dat je voor jezelf hebt gekozen. het leven gaat snel genoeg en soms moet je beslissingen maken die veel pijn en verdriet doen, maar toch het beste voor jezelf zijn. de afgelopen 6 jaar ben ik er ook achtergekomen, dat ik vrede moet maken met mijn verleden. mijn gebit is het laatste opstakel wat mij nog aan die nare tijd herinnnert. ik heb de afgelopen jaren heel wat blokkades verwerkt, vandaar dat ik ook zo vaak ziek ben geweest met ook die bijna dood ervaring in 2002 toen ik in shock was. het is een les geweest en ik heb er veel van geleerd. soms ga je door heel veel pijn en verdriet om in te zien dat jij alleen degene bent die er verandering in kan aanbrengen. ik heb er vrede mee en zie jouw vader als een boek die ik heb uitgelezen. ik zou jou nooit gekend hebben als ik hem niet had ontmoet. je hebt veel liefde en kleur in mijn leven gebracht en dat heeft veel goed gemaakt in die relatie met louis. ik zal blij zijn je weer te zien. het maakt mij erg gelukkig te horen dat het goed gaat met jou en je hebt het verdient! laat niemand je dat afnemen samira! ik ben erg trots op je dat je het toch allemaal doet, zover van je familie. je weet dat je altijd naar huis kunt komen, de deur staat voor je open! liefs, mama Dearest Samira, I am so happy that you have chosen for you. Life goes by so fast and, at times, you are forced to make decisions that cause a lot of pain and sadness, but which are ultimately best for you. Over the past 6 years I have come to realize that I have to make peace with my past. My teeth were the final obstacle that still reminded me of my ugly past. I had to work through quite a number of blockages over the past few years, which is the reason why I was sick so often and why I had that near-death experience in 2002 from being in shock. It was a lesson and I have learned from it. Sometimes you must experience an incredible amount of pain and anguish, in order to see that only you can bring about the necessary changes. I have come to peace with my past and see your father as a book that I have now finished reading. I would have never known you, if I hadn’t encountered him. You have brought much love and color into my life which is much good that has come out of that relationship with Louis. I will be happy to see you again. It makes me very happy to hear that you are doing well again, and you deserve it! Don’t ever let anybody take that away from you, Samira! I am so proud of you for all that you accomplish, especially for being so far away from your family. You know that you can always come home; the door is open! Love, Mama

remembrance of smiling, resurfaced

sam — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 04:28:06 +0000

Because human lives are composed in precisely such a fashion….They are composed like music. Guided by his sense of beauty, an individual transforms fortuitous occurrence into a motif, which then assumes a permanent place in the composition of the individual’s life. Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

uneasy heart & mind

sam — Wed, 11 Oct 2006 10:10:27 +0000

(history relies upon dissonance, upon discontinued familiarity, and a fading into metaphors: the substitution of book for body; the colors that remind of her, and the sounds that have become him)

Departure from the Vision

sam — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 11:16:36 +0000

1.
Partner
comes from parting.
To part.

2.
One parts
what was whole.

3.
I’m very partial
to you,
my partner.
So partial,
partially.
Only partial.

4.
The art
comes back
when you depart,
and I realize,
partner,
that you are not
part of me–
nor did take
part of me–
but have always
and remain
apart from me.

5.
Apart.
A part.
Part.
Art,
because
we’re apart

6.
Believing
you’re my partner:
I am the “art”
to which
you add the “P”.

7.
You are
my difference.

37 reasons i love Paul

sam — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 07:02:39 +0000

many of you are fully aware what mantra comes out of my mouth whenever paul’s not around, but in case you need a reminder: life’s boring without paul. i honestly have a hard time letting him sleep, because he’s just an abundance of newness :-) every day i am so amazed at how much i continue to learn from him. his mind, his creativity, his sensitivity and his compassion–the sum of these parts that make up the whole uniqueness that is paul: he challenges me in ways that make me feel alive, renewed, childlike and, at the same time, wiser. why 37? that’s how many times he’s travelled around the sun! lucky guy! and, although these can’t even begin to approximate the number of reasons why i love paul, here are 37, in no particular order, mainly to say: thank you for you, Paul. happy birthday. Paul:

says he threw his mom upside down on her head when he was born.
makes new cat toys and furniture out of boxes and string and bags and shelves probably every week. he loves our cat more than i know how to describe, really.
is an incredibly gifted artist. if you haven’t seen any of it yet, make it a point to do so: it will blow you away.
loves to take things apart, but he *also* puts them back together.
*loves loves loves* children, and they love him back.
never takes the same route home: he consciously challenges his own routines.
is a fucking amazing dancer. when you watch him dance, you can see how much music means to him.
i bet he’s been to over 90% of all my gigs, since we’ve been together: probably somewhere around 300 or so. and now that i think about it, wow babe, i’m sorry for the times i’ve hassled you to come to a gig with me.
says verse-visa.
has slid down the stairs, face down on a piece of cardboard, countless times.
has pictures of the rugburns to prove it.
lets me sleep in the car and gets us home safely at the end of long weekend.
cries more than anybody i have ever met.
taught me how to cry.
taught me how to laugh.
is still teaching me how to do both those things.
had a nightmare & when i woke him to see if he was ok, he said he most certainly had a nightmare, because he needed cheese.
put a button in my car after the fan broke, so i could turn it on manually.
loves squished pennies, and dreams of owning his own a penny squishing machine.
says i’m silly like my little pony all grown up.
is the master of taking self-portraits [see picture in my previous post].
is hank. and lassiter. and…
refers to the harmony between us as riding on the same bicycle.
leaves little notes for me all the time, for example:
when i get up, the first thing i’ll grab are my glasses, so there’s one note,
and, then, i’ll put on my rings–note #2,
and then i’ll get dressed, where i’ll find #3,
grab keys, etc. more notes..he’ll do this for my night time ritual, as well.
will now probably tell me that my last 5 reasons were cheating ;-)
is an incredible kisser.
is a most amazing lover.
loves blinky lights and lasers and fireworks and discoballs and stickers.
is very good at manouvring his way through bureaucracies: banks, insurance companies, bill collectors, landlords. i can’t believe how patient, calm and professional he is. i don’t know how i would manage these situations without him.
knows how to let me be me, but also how and when to hold me.
has the will-power when i don’t, the strength when i don’t, the optimism when i don’t.
is very perceptive, because he is actively introspective. it’s how he can smile so much, and laugh so much: he perseveres through his hardships so gracefully. i mean, look at him!
calls me his beautiful beautiful angel girl and this is how i know, every day, that i have a lot to live for.

i love you, baby. happy birthday. sam

Sounds i love

sam — Fri, 28 Oct 2005 23:43:59 +0000

the sound of my mother tongue. the sounds of trees. galloping horses. the sound of percolating coffee, the sound of carbinated water. the sound of a well-maintained motorcycle, and sounds that ratchets make. or the way in which only david bowie can pronounce: “jasmine” every sound that keith jarrett has ever spilt into this world. the turning of pages in old hardbound books. the lack of sound, the spaces in between as these to me constitute the essence of breakbeat, of poetry, of philosophy… and, at times, i also like the sound of my memory

thanks for the memories & goodbye (message from the future:01.31.07)

sam — Mon, 23 May 2005 17:12:35 +0000

sam is a beautiful beautiful angel girl that strooled into my life and captured all i could see…only to show me how to see everything again in a much more beautiful light.

Paul

sam — Fri, 27 Feb 2004 17:48:39 +0000

hank and i have been through so much together this year: much of it not so pretty as we both would rather have it. but we’re here now. together, and stronger. despite all the bullshit, the fear, the doubts, and the external negativity. still ridin’ that same bicycle :-) yay! i love you, babe.

Happy Birthday, Paul

sam — Sat, 12 Jul 2003 10:39:52 +0000

i love you.